Question
I have been dating the same man for just over a year now. I am 46 and he is 40. I am an Aquarius and he is a Sagittarius. I am often confused as he says he Loves me but I often feel he is uncertain about his feelings. I know I Love him but am afraid that if I show it too much he gets scared.I send him E-mails and he never responds and even when I call he only answers if he feels like talking to me. Am I being uncertain or am I blind to something I maybe do not want to see?
Answer
A powerful, honest and healthy relationship can only take place between two independently fulfilled and whole human beings.
The term to describe this kind of relationship is co-creation, or co-creating: two people that can manage very well on their own, be happy, fulfilled and complete by themselves choose to create a relationship together so that their experience of life would be enhanced and their spiritual growth would be accelerated.
Unfortunately, most relationship cannot be described in this way. Most relationships have some level of dependency, and the term to describe it is co-dependency: two people that rely on each other in order to feel fulfilled and complete.
A co-dependent relationship is always mixed with negative emotions like fear (of losing what you've learned to depend on), resentment (for not getting what you think you deserve from the other person) and so on.
An interesting thing to notice is that BOTH people in a relationship are in the same state, so if you are co-dependent, your partner is co-dependent as well. However, most of the time you each depend on and look for other things, so it seems like one person is more "needy" and the other is less "needy".
The truth is that your partner "needs" your "neediness" as much as you "need" his attention. And the problem with that is that this state of affairs is a lose-lose situation:
- If you don't get his attention, you feel deserted and alone
- If you do get his attention, you don't get to be a victim, you don't get to blame him for doing or not doing something, you don't get to be right and you experience fear of losing these few moments of happiness.
My advice to you and to shift your attention inward. Do not focus on him, on what he does or doesn't do, how he does what he does or what the meaning of his actions is.
Focus on your self - what do you REALLY need? What do you REALLY want? What emptiness you are trying to fill? What thoughts and desires you hide from the world? from yourself? What would REALLY make you feel loved, taken care, fulfilled and full of joy?
Once you have a clear vision of yourself, who you are and what you really need, you'll then be able to look at your partner with honesty and integrity and ask yourself if he is right person for you - exactly as he is (not as your would like him to change).
If the answer is yes, start co-creating the relationship with him and make it work.
If the answer is no, end the relationship. There is not point in investing time and energy trying to fix an un-fixable thing.
The important thing to remember is that either way - stay or leave - you will get the clarity and the integrity you want and need.
